forever is a moment: Utter Randomness

(Laser light show in the tub with blinking ice cubes.)

Oh my goodness, seriously, I didn't know that I loved this little box of chips, bits, and wires so much, but take it away from me for two and a half weeks and I will admit it! I am attached to my computer! Whew, I feel like I can finally breathe again. It feels good and bad at the same time. I am happy to have my confidant back, to check into things at a whim, to read up on adoption related sites, to check in on people's blogs, and spend time perusing amazons bookshelves, but it feels gross to realize how my life has changed since we got internet at our house. My brain chemistry is forever altered. Immediate satisfaction demanded, immediate gratification achieved. Eeeew. I can't believe it is my brain. The brain that loves to relish in quiet woods looking at fungi, the brain that struggles with so many aspects of daily life and society, the brain that lives life in reverse always remembering the big picture. So it is and so it shall be.

(No chapped lips for this guy. Or his dinosaur.)

I have so many funny stories to share from my brief hiatus, we've had so many wonderful experiences, so many revalations that have made us wonder what we have done to deserve the good people that surround us in our lives. I don't know how many will filter to the page, but I will try in the next week or two to take the time to type out my thoughts and our experiences, it's just that it is so hard to put into words the enormity of our lessons, it is like seeing and experiencing the most beautiful sunset from a pristine mountainside with all of your loved ones and then trying to explain it to a friend who wasn't there to see it first hand. Even though I know that many of you 'get it' I still can't find the words to express it. I want to take a creative writing class so that I can find my voice, maybe with some coaching I could get it all out, and funnel my thoughts and experiences to the page, maybe. I am blessed in ways that make me dizzy. Maybe I should take a pottery class and funnel my feelings into my art (but can another glazed ashtray convey my emotion?). I just find myself wanting to wallow in it, like laying in the grass on a warm sunny day. I just want to feel it all, I want to soak it up, be permiated by the depth and breadth of this human experience. I don't want to give it words, it is different depending on

the aspect I am trying to explain, complicated, multifaceted, the web of adoption, the web of life. Profound. Profound. Profound. And I'm not only talking about the joyful parts, profound in pain and sorrow. Profound in inequity and unfairness. Profound in its humanity. Otherworldly really. Awesome. And again, not just in the happy happy ways, although it is joyful and there is celebration and love. ooooo girlie, i am wallowing in the warm yellow rays today.