thinking 'out loud'

Thinking, thinking, sorting, sorting, and trying to make some sense of everything and anything. Thinking a bunch lately about the power and companionship of words, of the peaceful way my soul settles when I run across a word, new to me, that somehow makes sense of some complicated thought or feeling I'd been kicking around. The way, in that instant, that I feel understood, surrounded by love, and the realization that human beings have been experiencing feelings and thoughts so similar to mine for so long that they have actually created a word that takes all those mucky loosed ends at the intersection of emotion, experience, and thought and perfectly bundles them in a word that transcends time and all other limitations of our existence. It's great really, liberating and reassuring. It also makes me acutely aware of how limited my experiences on this earth are, and will be, no matter how much I learn and retain and put to use. But, that's O.K., I'm reassured because it's not my job, I've decided, to know everything, it is just my job to be conscientious and act with compassion and understanding to the best of my ability. I am not the whole human experience in one life, but I am an important link in the chain.

I guess it is a realization that I can't do or be it all. I've never really struggled with this concept until I became a mother. I am sure others' can relate. I have always been very confident in my capabilities and accomplishments in my life, even in areas where I could have done 'better' or achieved 'more'. I've been O.K. with what I gave when I gave it, knowing that I could always do it different in the future. I am not a person to have many regrets, I mess up all the time, but I always learn and grow. But parenting puts so much more heat on. It's also about perspective. I realize now, how very little I know compared to what I want to know and what there is to know in this life. It is daunting. Wish I could funnel it all to me and swim in the seas of collective wisdom. But then, I guess, I would be done learning, and what fun would that be?

I don't have a nifty ending to this post, I'm not done thinking about it yet. I am pretty sure this is one of the cornerstones of my existence, this thinking, twisting and sorting- this constant state of growth and maturation. It sure would be nice if there was some destination, enlightenment, when I would sense that I know enough. Sometimes it would feel really good to just unplug mentally and coast the rest of the way. Not a chance though, not with these three counting on me.

snapshots

Vanity review and new ambition

Read my own blog tonight, it left EVEN ME wanting more. Seriously, posting once, maybe twice a month doesn't qualify as readable. I am working on a plan to blog more. Either that or I have to hang up my blog hat, and I'd like to give the former a shot first. I mean, seriously I take about 200 pictures of the kids a week, you'd think it would be easier to get one or two on the blog every now and then. I have many many many many reasons (er excuses) why I don't. Some have to do with my crappy luck posting, so often distracted, so often discombobulated, so often thwarted by technology... So a plan is in the making. I could shoot for posting once a week, right? I'm thinking about it, and we'll see what happens.

T started to walk on Christmas Eve. It was great. Now it is her favorite thing to do when she's awake. She crams whatever she can hold into her little hands and runs all over the house happy as can be! This new talent, along with her budding independence, have facilitated her in finding her voice when necessary (ehem...in a very loud, arch her back and roll on the floor sort of way at times!!) It's great. I love to see her letting us all know how she is feeling. Even if she can't play in the toilet while I wipe a boy's bottom, it is great to know that she is vocalizing her desires!

The boys continue to do great. They are growing so fast. Arlo is already getting a permanent molar- he's pretty thrilled about it. He calls it his 'ham eating tooth' - as in, he will start eating ham as soon as that tooth is all the way in. He doesn't want to eat ham just yet, but is sure he will once he has his grown up tooth to do the job. He's also considering pushing all of his other food he eats over to that tooth to chew since it is bound to be the strongest. No more chewing with those pesky baby teeth for him. Arlo told me today that he is showing his new tooth at 'show and tell' tomorrow at school. He cleared it with his teacher today, but had to let her know he won't be able to put it on the show and tell tray in the morning, seeing as it's in his mouth and all. I really can't wait to hear how that goes! Last weekend we went swimming at a local pool, and when we were done, Arlo's feet were seriously pruned up and hivey. I asked him if it hurt or if he knew how it happened. He told me it was no big deal, he was just growing in his permanent foot. I left it at that, since his weird hives had me kind of freaked out too.

Aesa had us on pins and needles the last few weeks with some mysterious night time symptoms that were accompanying his cold. Severe itching and aching all over his body. He was up all night scratching franticly in his ears, on his legs, hands, and belly- and complaining of pain all over. No fever though, so it was strange. He's doing great now, thank goodness. Today, we were driving and went around a 'circular' on-ramp to the interstate when Aesa said, "Mom, did you just drive in a circle?" I said yes, but was quickly corrected and taught that "that was not a circle. Circles go around around around. THAT was a banana, see mom. A banana. Not an apple, apples are cirlces and they are red. Circles are red mom, not bananas. OKAY?" O.K.

We had a great Christmas and New Year, Aesa made it to 1am on New Year's Eve!! Woo hoo. You could tell on New Year's Day, he was sporting some large bags under his sweet eyes. Hope you all had a great Holiday Season as well. Happy January to you all as well, heaven knows we could all use some extra cheering up this dark, cold month!!

Meeting Solomon- Ethiopian Travel Stories

I want to share so many of our amazing experiences, yet I have struggled for a way to share without cheapening the experience. Sometimes, my lack of writing skills as well as linguistic knowledge leave me writing posts that barely reflect my hearts desire. It is a challenge for me, but when I look back, I am always happy to have shared the moment, rather than worried about the syntax. So, in that regard, I will continue to share some of our unique experiences so that others may enjoy them and we might remember them in years to come!

On our way home from Ethiopia with Tirfe, we flew first to Karthoum and then to Amsterdam before heading across the big lake towards home. We left Ethiopia in the late evening, I think around 10pm or so. I was already enjoying some cocktails. I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, but I have a wee (enormous) fear/challenge of/with flying. I am working on it. I continue to do it. I really don't like it. Maybe one day I will, but for now cocktails help with the preflight anxiety. Sooo.... we flew into Amsterdam 8 or 9 hours after leaving Addis, the trip was smooth, I slept through the landing in Sudan (imagine that, cocktails plus jet lag plus sheer exhaustion and you can sleep through a landing- I just might be on to something!!) We had a four hour layover in Amsterdam before boarding our next flight. We say goodbye to the last of our travel group as they catch their planes to their homes in States.

We waited to board our flight for a while. I have no idea what time it was in Addis/Amsterdam/River Falls during any of this time. Doesn't matter anyways, we know we are tired, we know we are experiencing a tiny minutia of what our baby girl is experiencing. Peanuts in reality to her experiences in the last 8 months of her life. She is beauty. She is peace and calm. She is snuggles and thumb sucking. She is helping me to find my center, to face my (irrational) fear more resolutely.

Point of this post, in line waiting for our things to be scanned or something to be checked or something or whatever (remember I have a mind numbing fear of flying) we have an interesting exchange with a "stranger". This man, in line in front of us, looks at Tirfe and says, "She is from my tribe." with a smile. We are all grins, walking with him toward the plane. Really? we say? He says, "Yes, definitely. She is Tembarissa." Wow. We ask where he is from. He is from Mudula, the town of Tirfe's birth. We make some more small talk as we board the plane, acutely aware of what a small world it is. Amazed by the chance to meet this man, this Ethiopian man, from Tirfe's hometown, who gives her blessings and kisses. Meeting him, in Amsterdam, in line, boarding our plane, seemed so serendipitous. We didn't see him until we were in MPLS again. We said our goodbyes and headed on our way.

His name was Solomon. He was a soldier in Iraq, headed home on leave. His home was in Canada. I loved the way his eyes sparkled at Tirfe as he talked about Mudula. I loved that he embraced her just because he knew they shared these bonds.

Weeks after we were home and settled, we met a family from our travel group at our favorite Ethiopian restaurant in the cities. After lunch, we headed to the Ethiopian Market to buy some injera and some spices. We paused and chatted. We took pictures and began to hug goodbye, when Andy waved to someone across the street. It took me a minute to realize what was going on. It took Andy a minute to realize who he was waving to, even though he knew he knew him. It was Solomon. Our friend from the Amsterdam airport. He was on vacation, from Canada, in Minneapolis with his family. He had just finished eating at the restaurant we were eating at. He recognized us because he remembered Tirfe. He remembered her because she was from his tribe, his people.

How does that happen. I think it happens for a reason, and we are meant to take from it what we will. But I don't think it is the last time Solomon and his family will be in our lives.

All in a days time

Days fire past me in rapid pace, sometimes I feel like I, alone, am working in slow motion, while life around me bolts along at neck-breaking speeds. I regularly imagine myself walking through molasses, working really hard...just not getting there as fast as I should. Such is life.

Recap of the day, Arlo slept in our bed, requiring me to take him to school this morning (which is usually Andy's job, since he drives right past it at exactly the right time on his way to work....). The boy needs me so fiercely.

Since I was heading out, 25 minutes after rousing, thought it would be a fantastic idea to gather the other two (wake, change, debooger, comb, etc. oh and feed...) and head to the early class at the YMCA this morning. Might as well get my workout in early, imagine how productive I could be after that (SUPERmom-- who never seems to materialize.....)!!

In disbelief that I didn't get a dirty diaper call until I was in the locker room naked, I gleefully dressed half-arsedly and picked up my (stinky-Tirfe, woeful-Aesa) kiddies. Headed to lunch at a bagel shop before our next outing.

Dragging uber-tired Tirfe along in a very tight and nearly abusive snowsuit, we joined Arlo at school (as promised in the wee hours of the morning when I was trying to weasle a couple more minutes of sleep out of him) for recess. It was really, really, really cold. Holy smokes, I am so not ready for whipping winds and cold. WHY do I do this to myself. I imagine it has to do with being insane. Has to. And if it does, I might as well own it and act proud of my nordic roots. Yargh. It was cold. Arlo had a hard time with the older boys who wouldn't share shovels. It's really hard to be the little guy sometimes. Lessons aplenty, but some tough knocks for a dude with only 5 years of experience.

Frozen, we head home after recess to atempt naps. No body bites. Rascals.

Back to get Arlo at 3pm, we head to Nana's to lay Tirfe down for a nap while Aesa plays and Arlo and I run some errands. Errands turn into dinner out together. Super chill, really relaxing. We are in one of our favorite restaraunts, seated right in front of the chef. The entire kitchen is open, Arlo is mesmerized. He tells the the chef is cool. He wants to work there, washing dishes for now, until he is old enough to cook with fire. He follows the chef into the bathroom and manages to order more pasta for himself while he is in there. They revel in their shared love of Bob Marley. Arlo wants to be a chef when he grows up. Hopefully the partner of the chef who served us tonight.

We head to Nana's to pick up the wee-est ones and spend a bit of play time. Aesa is a tired mess. Arlo is coming unraveled. Balloons are blown up and we manage to piece together a decent amount of fun time. Until Aesa bites it trying to run for a balloon and spits his chin on the coffee table. Poor dude.

I start loading kids (Andy is at sweat all night on Fridays...and has Tai Chi on Thursdays until late, so we are pretty frazzeled at the end of the week) littlest to biggest. Arlo bucks departure, as sometimes happens. He is not the master of transitions, not yet. After a couple extra chances to jump off the steps and show off his moves, he still protests leaving, and of course I trudge on, explaining why. He is upset, mad, defiant. He wants a new mom. Not a new Dad though. I can marry someone else, live with them and have new kids. He's staying put with Dad. This boy, who needs me so fiercely, my emotional, passonite little man- pushes me farthest when he needs me the most. His behavior towards me reflects very accurately his personal struggles, right now mostly from school. It's hard to learn how to fend for yourself and to hold all those feelings inside when you want to yell that no one is sharing. It is hard for a passonite, emotional child to balance the desire to fit in with the desire to be heard. I told him his new mom might make him eat vegetables, but he's pretty sure she won't. Hopefully tomorrow will be more 'Don't Worry 'bout a thing' and less of the rest. We'll see. Parenting this boy is such a blessing. I just hope that his teen years won't equate to his preschool years to the tenth power. please?

Oh, in the action at some point Arlo did moon me and Aesa. Really. Mooned us, appropriately (not to say it is appropriate, but his timing and execution were precise!!). He says he learned it on a cartoon. Really? Sometimes you just have to laugh, when your children are not looking... Uff da.

One.

Baby girl is one. My baby girl is one. Can't believe it, except I am beginning to see glimmers of tantrum like attitude at times, so she must be. I love the first tantrums, or frustration storms, they are kind of cute. She lays on her back, kicks her feet and yells, then stops- shocked by the feeling of her feet hitting the floor-, she thinks for a second, and repeats. Sweet girl.

I have other clues that she is one too. Her two new choppers on top aged her face at least two months when they poked through. She's standing for prolonged periods of time, beginning to walk on fingers when coaxed. Her sense of humor is rapidly developing and her belly laughs are to die for- Tirfe loves to laugh, cocking one eyebrow in an "are you for real?" sort of way.

She had a fun and relaxing birthday at home. We made cupcackes, played outside, and grilled. It was unseasonably warm- 60 degrees a week into November. I felt like it was the universe bringing T a teensy bit of Ethiopia on her big day. The sun shining on us that day and letting us relish in warmth. It was really a perfect, relaxing day. We wanted to plant two trees on her birthday, one for her (the boys each have their own) and one for her Ethiopian family, but the nursery was closed since it was a Sunday. Hopefully we can still get them planted before the ground freezes, we'll see. Besides the cupcakes, the boys loved helping her open her gifts, and she loved watching!!

Happy Birthday K.T. Love and more love, to infinity and beyond.

The Video Shuffle

Videos are really hard to take of kids. Sheesh. Why can't they continue on doing their cute little buisiness and just act natural? Even though I miss the shot I am going for most of the time, I am commited to catching their cuteness in action regardless of what they are doing. Like, we'd really love to get video of all of Tirfe's hilarious facial expressions, or her manic head shaking when she gets going on a 'no-no' spree, or the lip pucker and nose snort that accompany her feeling of impatience when you repeatedly neglect to provide her with whatever she was hoping for from bottle to chokeable or whatever. We miss some stuff, but all in all, when I look back at what we have, I am thrilled at how my babies have grown. And that's what it's all about, just a moment in time, caught on video to savor in years to come. Enjoy!

Please ignore the messes in progress. It's a fact of life over here.