thinking 'out loud'

Thinking, thinking, sorting, sorting, and trying to make some sense of everything and anything. Thinking a bunch lately about the power and companionship of words, of the peaceful way my soul settles when I run across a word, new to me, that somehow makes sense of some complicated thought or feeling I'd been kicking around. The way, in that instant, that I feel understood, surrounded by love, and the realization that human beings have been experiencing feelings and thoughts so similar to mine for so long that they have actually created a word that takes all those mucky loosed ends at the intersection of emotion, experience, and thought and perfectly bundles them in a word that transcends time and all other limitations of our existence. It's great really, liberating and reassuring. It also makes me acutely aware of how limited my experiences on this earth are, and will be, no matter how much I learn and retain and put to use. But, that's O.K., I'm reassured because it's not my job, I've decided, to know everything, it is just my job to be conscientious and act with compassion and understanding to the best of my ability. I am not the whole human experience in one life, but I am an important link in the chain.

I guess it is a realization that I can't do or be it all. I've never really struggled with this concept until I became a mother. I am sure others' can relate. I have always been very confident in my capabilities and accomplishments in my life, even in areas where I could have done 'better' or achieved 'more'. I've been O.K. with what I gave when I gave it, knowing that I could always do it different in the future. I am not a person to have many regrets, I mess up all the time, but I always learn and grow. But parenting puts so much more heat on. It's also about perspective. I realize now, how very little I know compared to what I want to know and what there is to know in this life. It is daunting. Wish I could funnel it all to me and swim in the seas of collective wisdom. But then, I guess, I would be done learning, and what fun would that be?

I don't have a nifty ending to this post, I'm not done thinking about it yet. I am pretty sure this is one of the cornerstones of my existence, this thinking, twisting and sorting- this constant state of growth and maturation. It sure would be nice if there was some destination, enlightenment, when I would sense that I know enough. Sometimes it would feel really good to just unplug mentally and coast the rest of the way. Not a chance though, not with these three counting on me.