Looking forward, looking back, trying to be present

Our summer has been fabulous. Enjoying our children is the highlight. They are passionate, funny, spontaneous, and loving. They make my life so much fun. Who else is going to wake up muttering, "I wish a caterpillar would crawl on my finger" than Aesa? Who else would do all the polishing and spice work at school if Arlo wasn't? Who else bursts into hysterical fits of laughter when you play with her than Tirfe? We are so blessed with our beautiful family.

This is a time of year where I reflect on the change of seasons and I stack all of my to do lists from the beginning of summer against what I actually accomplished. I ultimately notice the list is just longer now, and that pesky porch I wanted to scrape and repaint remains chipped and unpainted. Laundry is PILING up in my kitchen (!!) and the gardens never did get weeded or watered enough. I feel like I am unable to accomplish what I imagine others accomplish every day. I realize that I try to squeeze 36 hours of activities into a 24 hour day almost every day, I flounder at trying to be present, acutely aware of how quickly time passes and moments are gone into yesterday. A viscous cycle I repeat every day, multiple times. It is a bit like making yourself go mad, I guess it's how I roll. And I kind of like that about myself.

If my kitchen didn't have laundry in it, if my gardens were immaculate (like the gardens in my minds-eye), and if I had that porch painted it wouldn't be me. I will get it all done, when it feels right (and when my kids are a little older...haha). Looking back I am happy, so extremely happy, with where we are as a family, what we have accomplished in our lives and who we are as people. Looking forward almost makes me squeel with anticipation. I am excited to watch our family grow and change. I am excited to meet our future children, should we be so blessed. Watching the bonds grow between our children is one of the most precious gifts I have ever had the opportunity to witness in my life. The intimate bonds of family, shared experiences and time.

As I try to be present, I remember my 11 year old self and try to take lessons from the simple wisdom I had then. My mom used to ask me to make my bed frequently, which I could never understand (but that's a different story), and I always replied, "Why does it matter? Will it be on my tombstone when I am dead that I made my bed every day?" I know, morbid, but quite frankly it sums up my perspective on life quite nicely. I am trying to remember that the important things are getting done every day. My children are happy and thriving, we are living a life in tune with our values, we give back to our community every day, we are connected with GOOD people, we are blessed with amazing friends, and we are constantly looking to broaden our knowledge and contribute to society. Not to shabby. I am so happy, so content, so grateful- beyond words for what we have and don't deserve. I am trying to be present and not get caught up in the insanity of trying to live a life I don't understand. I guess being present is all about being true to myself. I am working on it, my whole life I will work on it. Gratefully.

I promise posts full of pictures to come. Melkam Addis Amet!

Vacation Weekend

We are headed to Grand Marais this weekend. Can't wait to throw some rocks, make smores, inhale crisp air off the lake, and sleep to the sound of waves hitting shore.

Last time we were in Grand Marais was the weekend after we got T's referral. We sat and stared at her picture all weekend.

There was a crazy ice storm and we couldn't even leave our cabin. It was so warm and cozy. Narry a rock was thrown in the lake, they were all frozen together. It was still, silent, reverent. Perfect.

I am so excited to dip her toes in The Big Lake for the first time. Powerful business.Woo hoo.

Tirfe is recovering from a nasty sinus infection, feeling so much better each day. Poor girl, she is such a trooper- wish she would complain more when she is in pain...we are working on it. At the doc, I found out she has gained over 3 pounds since coming home in July. Sweet.

Arlo started preschool this week at an awesome Montessori in town. He loves it and is glowing with pride when we pick him up. He was so ready for some independence and a change of routine. I wasn't sure how I would handle it, but once I see his face when I pick him up, it is a no brainer. The boy loves people and loves learning. So far he thinks school is the bomb.

Aesa is having fun being the big bro while Arlo is at school. He helps me by putting blankets on Tirfe's head while I shower and things like that. He also sneaks marshmallows any chance he gets. When Tirfe is heading for something he thinks she shouldn't have, I can hear him say "oh no you don't!!" which cracks me up, not sure where he got that. Also, since I am on the topic of Aesa and his funny sayings, when he is in trouble lately and I am trying to talk with him, he has taken to 'meowing'. Great. How do you reason with a cat? He's got me there.

Off to rest my rock skipping arm, Lake Superior here we come!!

attachment

It is so lovely, unfolding day by day. Attachment. Something (I have come to realize) that is hard to describe to those outside the adoption-realm.

It is ongoing every day. Right now, with Tirfe, it's blossoming. With the boys, I know we work on this too. every. single. day. With Tirfe, it is amplified for everyone involved (especially our sweet girl).

She is so resilient. She is a survivor in more ways that I will ever understand. She is my teacher, my guide, my daughter. I am so humbled and grateful.

It is a feeling, a knowing, a presence that evolves. I didn't know what it would look like exactly, but I see it every day. I am embracing this beauty, my opportunity to be the Mother I want to be to my girl (and the Mother my girl needs me to be).

She is absolutely amazing. In every way. I want every dam that she has constructed to let go when it is ready. Because I am ready; and so very honored (and willing) to be able to share this life with her.

Gator Days

The boys have been having a love affair with their gators since we got them. Tirfe was totally mesmerized and timid at first. I never would have thought to put her in the passenger seat until next year. But she had other ideas. She practically leaps out of my arms and onto the gator when she sees it. Arlo loves to give her a ride around the yard for a bit. It is so cute when you see them driving away. She is super buckled in, and I usually follow close behind. She is so content on there, especially when she has her biggest bro snuggling her. I didn't have enough light, so Arlo and T are mostly shadows, but you get the idea. What you miss is the big smile on Tirfe's face when they stop. This totally captures Aesa's personality, he is so funny.

the three peas briefing

A random post and some cute pictures as another great summer weekend comes to an end (Monday is part of our weekend too). We have officially converted to cloth diaps, and it's great. We are using the litte g's with cloth inserts, cute and simple. Tirfe is continuing to grow and blossom in so many ways. She is pulling up on anything she can get ahold of. The boys are continuing their steadfast adoration of her. When we go somewhere to visit with people we know, Arlo is always asking who has met Tirfe and who hasn't so he can rush over and show off his sister. This afternoon he ran errands with Andy for a while and when he got back T was up from her nap; his first question (after he comes to find us in her room) is, "How long has she been up?" He wants to make sure he didn't miss anything. Tonite he took her for a ride on his gator (which she now LOVES, practically leaping out of our arms to get at it...it is going to be so funny when she can walk and get her little self where she wants to go- she has definate plans!), he wraps his arm around her shoulders and snuggles her close with one arm while he drives with the other arm. It is too much. We got it on video tonite, I will try to post some shots of it soon! Aesa remains his funny, happy, dancing self. He got a new bed today which he is thrilled about, even if (as he noted) it isn't as big as Arlo's.

T Speaks

Ignore all the stuff in the foyer, I just got back form the store and was overcome with a need to capture cuteness (and share). She had just crawled all the way from the kitchen and I tried to catch a bit of that, but she had something to say instead!

Our Month in Review

It has been a month since we came home with Tirfe. It has flown by. It has been a really good, loving, bonding month for all five of us. The focus on bonding for our family has been really great, everything else can wait (and it usually does anyway, but now I can do it guilt free and feel good about it!). As our laundry goes unfolded and laying on the kitchen table, I am on the floor playing with the kids, laughing at their sweet and funny personalities and feeling so content with our family. Arlo and Aesa continue to do great with Tirfe, they love her so much, sometimes they are a too-in-her-face with their love, but it is manageable with gentle reminders.

We have had a busy month. We've been swimming most sunny days at my parents house. Arlo is becoming more skilled every time we go, and Aesa is floating around in waterwings. So far, it seems, Arlo is immune to the sting of belly flopping (or face flopping as he often seems to do). Tirfe LOVES the pool.

We also had to put our dog, Dexter, down this month. So sad. We noticed he seemed sick when we returned from Ethiopia, and took him in. He had lyme's disease and a tumor the size of a two liter bottle in his abdomen. We tried hefty antibiotics, and drained the tumor, but it was too much, pushing on his lungs. He wasn't eating or drinking. Our local vet couldn't confirm that the tumor was cancerous, but it was definately going to be the end of him without surgery. Andy didn't think he could survive the surgery, so he made the very difficult decision to take Dexter in and have him put down. Ugh. He was a GREAT dog, the happiest, jumpiest, easiest black lab ever to swim the Kinni. Oh, we will miss him. We are talking with Arlo about death as a result. He is so smart, so intuitive. It is deep stuff and he is handling it well. Trying to put our beliefs into terms that a child could understand without terrifying him was daunting to us, but Arlo takes the information, asks another question, explains it back to us and thinks about if for a day or two. Then he'll ask another question. He misses Dexter in spurts, and feels sad when it hits him. He has taken to diving for balls and sticks in Nana's pool because that is what Dexter liked to do (in the River). It feels good to have this conversation started, a relief that we have the foundation to expand on.

Tirfe has learned so much this month. When we met her in Ethiopia, she was a smiley little lady who could roll over and rock on her hands an knees. Since we have been home she has gotten a tooth (actually, while we were in ET with her), mastered sitting up, crawling, clapping, waving, pointing, and drinking her bottle. She loves finger food and prefers it over baby food. She drinks juice from a sippy every now and then and is extremely proud of herself. She is the smiliest baby I have ever known. She never stops, and it is so cute. It's a nose wrinkled, eyebrow raised, eyes sparkling and smiling as well, gums exposed, wide open mouthed smile. She even wakes up smiley, I am trying to figure out her secret so I can master that one too.

The boys are continuing to mesh really well together. They both seem bigger, more independent, and more willing to comprimise since T came home. Our time together has been quality and quantity lately, so great.

My real objective was to get some new pictures on the blog, I looked at it today and felt ashamed how few I have shared so far! I have so many cute ones with funny stories behind them.

Wishing for health and happiness for you and your families!